Church Thoughts 101

During my time in church a month ago I recorded my thoughts…

11:00AM- Where should I sit? I don’t want to be to close the altar- what if the Priest calls on me? What if I rip one loose and the Priest calls me out on it?

11:01AM- Perfect, far corner of the room, right by the exit… I shall be the first to escape.

11:05AM- Lovin the Priest Parade! You think the guy holding the cross knows he actually runs the show? I bet if he took a left the priest parade would follow.

11:06AM- Where should I eat lunch? It’s gonna be lunch time, 12:00 is a good time for lunch. Can I eat meat? I don’t think its Lent? Is that once or twice a year.

11:10AM- Looking… Looking… found one! She’s hot. Who’s that guy sitting next to her… better be her brother. I be its her brother- they look alike. They are holding hands… time to stand.

11:11AM- Wow, shes kinda short, and married. Dammit.

11:15AM- That lecture is a good reader. I bet he was that dude in school that got the short end of the stick and had to read aloud in class a lot. Isn’t there a Bears Game on today?

11:16AM Thank God for the iPhone, night game! Hey, is that a prayer? ‘Thank God for the iPhone’? I bet thats a prayer. I think I can live with the fact that chick is married, I could be that guy, you know like the pool guy.

11:18AM- Don’t know much about pools, I am pretty good at hedging.

11:30AM- Do do do da da da, do do do, dah dah. Dee Dee Dee… ANOTHER HOT CHICK! What am I doing, I am looking at girls in the presence of God.

11:31AM- God knows I like girls… I think hes cool with it.

11:31.30sec AM – iPhone doesn’t know if God is cool with it but it is 73 degrees in Palatine, IL. Shit its gonna ran Monday.

11:36AM- Shit its time for the Our Father. Keep your hands folded and keep looking forward. Shit, the guy next to you is looking at you… Dammit. (Holding the guys hand)

11:36.36sec AM- Our Father who art in heaven hollow be thy name, thy kingdom come… thy… um…. shit I’m be hind and forgive us our trespasses (everyone else says debtors)… Who the fuck changed that one! Not cool. Where’s the memo, the CNN coverage. GAY GAY GAY!

11:40AM- (Communion) Oh man… I got some gas. Okay its cool just kinda crop dust the isle. What do you think it takes to become an usher? You think they get paid to do that? Maybe I get some Portillo’s Hot Dogs.

11:41AM- Crop dusting in progress. You think they smell it? No way I don’t even smell it. Who is be hind me? Oh yea,  thats a scape-goat for sure.  What? Why are looking at me? It was the old lady- you know how old ladies can be!

11:48AM- Yep I think everyone knew it was me. If asked, Lie like a mattress.

11:50AM- Longest two minutes of my life. Where is that hot chick? SHE COMMUNION HOPPED!

11:55AM- Don’t care about the events. I don’t know anything about that charity. I don’t want the Boy Scouts freaking pancakes. HURRY UP!

11:58AM- Thank God- I love that last phrase- “the mass is ended, go in peace… and get some Reese’s Pieces”. I like that ending more.

11:59AM- Avoiding conversation. Walking at a polite but fast pace… Portillo’s here I come!

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