Today was Wednesday. More precisely it was a regular Wednesday, which will be filed in my memories next to styrofoam and finding parking spaces. When I die, this very Wednesday will be background noise to the music during the end credits to my end of life hallucinations; about as boring as Twister’s end credits, only with out the guitar solo and clouds that aren’t tornados.
You may think me jaded, after all I made several strides at work today and didn’t die on my commute. But I can assure you that by strides I mean I didn’t piss off any customers today and as I am writing to you after my commute home, I am very much breathing and conscious.
No, this was not a unique 24 hours. To prove it, Raccoon and I watched Starship Troopers. A movie so bad that Encore will play it on their premium channel at 9PM. Its a movie with such poor acting that the Academy gave Denise Richards an Oscar if she just promised to stick to reality shows for the rest of her life. (A barter that the Emmy’s still haven’t forgiven, nor Charlie Sheen) It also doesn’t take much movie going experience to understand that anything with Gary Busey’s kid in a supporting role, will and should, taste like ipecac syrup and have the same effects of swallowing it. When watching this movie you will understand why Charlie Sheen drinks, he was married to Denise Richards and she obviously acted a lot around the house. If you haven’t picked up on it yet, yes Denise Richards is in this movie but the curve ball is that she’s not the lead. Casper Van Dien is.
Casper Van Dien plays Johnny Rico. He is astonishingly stupid, thick headed and flat; so its a good thing Johnny Rico was too. Haven’t heard of Casper Van Dien? Well then you have heard of Johnny Rico. Haven’t heard of Johnny Rico? Then you spent the end of the 90’s not watching shitty movies. It should also be noted that his name is really Casper Van Dien. His middle name being Van… which would then explain so much.
Apparently this version of future Earth has invented light speed travel, complex space ships, large space docking platforms, a futuristic version of football and (thank God we found this out) uni-sex showers for the military. What they failed to invent was Raid Insect Repellent. So, future Earth was engaged in a horrifying battle with blue rocket shitting, ravenous looking, non-veggitarian bugs related to Joan Rivers. They are controlled by the “Brain Bug” (the planet names also suck; ie, Klendathu and Planet P) which looks like a vagina-faced turd whom sucks humans brains out.
Did I mention Neil Patrick Harris was in it? Yes, he was the smart one. No, he is not an excuse to see this movie.
We came into the movie half way from the end and upon is conclusion Raccoon turned to me sarcastically and said, “That was the best movie I have ever seen.”
“Yes Raccoon,” I turned grinning, as if I had just showed someone the video Two Girls, One Cup, “this was way worse than Titanic.”
The one line Raccoon and I did thoroughly enjoy, was a scene in which Rico nukes a bug habitat, which was cleverly scripted in the movie, “Nuke em’ Rico!” From now on if you want Raccoon to get a beer for you in our apartment simply yell, “nuke em’ Rico.”