Match.com

Friday night, after eating dinner and watching The Big Libowski at my Sister’s house with my Bro-In-Law, I traveled over to a Schaumburg bar off of Wise road to meet up with Polar Bear Barry. Polar Bear is nothing like his nick name. He is in fact skinny, even tempered and clean shaven. We had lived together in college and afterwords maintained a good relationship which entailed having a lot to drink and then exchanging vulgar obscenities at each other.

Before the airing of grievances, Polar Bear had let me know that he had started a Match.com account and recommended that I try it out. He told me, quite drunkenly, “no dude, fuck e-Harmony, that shit is weak panda sauce, you got to try Match.com! The girls are way hotter!” He took another pull from his beer, “its also a lot cheaper.” To which I call him a woman’s name and we started our ritual.

Here I am now, Monday and I had managed to get my name, location, favorite hobbies, race (which I wanted to put black as a surprise to my dates) and zodiac sign. It came upon the time to write my “diddy” about myself and now I am stumped. Here were a couple options:

“This online thing is new to me. I thought this would be an excellent opportunity to meet some new people. I enjoy living life! I think that laughter is the key to a long and fulfilling life and finding someone to laugh with is a big part of that too. Most of my time is spent with my family and friends. I feel like I am a good asset to all that meet me and I try 150% to be an asset to them as well. I think this online dating thing may be a cool way to perhaps make new friends and connections that would lead to me finding that ideal someone.”

Boring. Lets amp this up a bit.

“What is living? Some may say that standing on the Summit of Everest is key, while others may argue that a mere good book and a sunset is far better. For me, its sharing a good bottle of wine on my yacht on the Mediterranean with girl who speaks nothing but French. Its walking up to a girl in a bar and sayng, “Dammit, I am a doctor but I far more care about what crazy things your cat is into right now.” Can I sow? Yes, and then some, see this blanket, I made it for you, in your favorite color too; just after I un-beached a killer whale. Cancer? Yea I cured it, then I slapped across the face and made fun of its income.”

Bit out there, I agree. Lets get a more down to Earth tone.

“You know that guy who gets on the bus and looks at you and your praying ‘please don’t sit by me’? I am that guy and I sit next to you. I am debilitatingly outgoing. I take a moment when entering a room and target the one introverted person who would stab an annoying extravert in a fit of rage and make their nightmare come true. If you had two choices between drinking gas, then playing with matches and talking to me about my thoughts on crayons, you would choose the former. I often order Big Macs at Burger King and too often I order the children’s menu so I can color, with crayons.”

Yea, probably wont impress. How about…

“I am a dragon! I want food. Women are my food. If you are not a woman, then you are not food and I am not interested. I like tennis and eating women. I also blow fire. Bunny rabbits are cute. Is there something on my face? That is a statement.”

We will see what comes of this Match.com thing. Honestly, I don’t what will happen.

 

Goodnight.

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